Today I Appreciate Potential

My basil plant is growing. The stem leans towards the sunlight, absorbing, sucking up energy to get stronger and healthier. Needless to say, I'm a proud Basil Mommy. Of course, I'm not quite as proud of my own writing lately; sure, I've been attempting to learn towards my own proverbial sun, sucking up the energy of blogs and books and magazines (I officially subscribed to The New Yorker!), but while absorbing said sunlight, I have forgotten to "water" my writing energy daily and, as such, am still a seedling, and am not producing sweet pieces of writing like the large, sweet leaves of my basil plant.

OK, so this metaphor has probably gone a little too far already, but reflecting back upon this past year, I realize that I have missed out on a lot of opportunities to appreciate, truly appreciate, what's around me. From the time I've started this blog, I've made several changes to my life that I think have truly made me a healthier, happier, better person.

First, I've provided more time for me - just me - to relax. Of course, this is somewhat facilitated by the fact that I live by myself in a studio apartment (which is glorious), and I try to read something pleasurable every night before I go to bed to unwind.

I've also decided not to get frustrated when a particular interaction does not go the way I intended it. Rather than grasping and desperately hanging on to unsuccessful acquaintances/friendships/relationships, I try and let the weak connection pass, not attempting to make something fruitful our of something barren. That's not to say I've been dismissing all uncomfortable social interactions, blaming them on an intrinsic lack of connection that must be immediately eliminated, but I no longer waste energy on people that I know simply don't work with who I am. It's OK if not everyone likes me. Really.

With that said, however, I have refused to pass up novel situations. I try to talk to people, break through my initial insecurities about how others will perceive me, and ask questions. In my interview class, my instructor told us that when he is at cocktail parties, he plays a game with himself where he finds one person and tries to ask that person as many questions as possible before the person asks him something. I've tried to adopt the strategy for myself, and it has eased me into a somewhat more comfortable social state. That's not to say that I am - by any means- an any more socially comfortable person, but I've at least found an avenue through which I may be able to better understand people and take some more risks.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm not afraid of the potential for growth and change. I may still drag my feet on accomplishing certain tasks because I'm afraid of failure or I'm afraid of abandoning something and feeling disappointed with the final product, but I appreciate, today, that there's so much more potential for me to fulfill what I want to fulfill, find people who will truly fulfill me, and continue to live a more grateful and joy-filled life.

Here's to watering the writing spirit with hope, excitement, and possibility.

Today I Appreciate Others Defying My Expectations

It's the last week of classes and I'm surprisingly calm about final exams and final projects. Perhaps I condensed so many worries these past two quarters that I used up all of my year-allotted worry points. No matter. I'm not complaining. Knowing me and my neuroses, this may not last much longer, but that's something I'm also OK with. Worry keeps me motivated. It's part of my essential DNA.

Anyway, I mention this odd sense of calm because today I completed one final "project:" a "micro-teaching session" for the course I'm teaching this spring. The assignment was to conduct a "mini-lesson" with the other teaching facilitators, get feedback, learn what to do with students who will be enrolled in the class, and realize that I'm probably trying to pack in too much reading in too little time. I wasn't all that nervous about it; I've read the stories I'm teaching a billion times (and still love them) and I figured whatever would happen, would happen.

However, I was concerned about how the other facilitators would react to the reading. I feared that they would sit down with the story I sent out and think it was stupid. Their validation of the material's quality felt (feels) important to me because I trust their opinions. Somehow, I felt like someone would stare at the story and think: "What's the point? Why did I bother reading this?" I often get defensive about reading I enjoy, trying to justify it and its importance even in the face of criticism. Then, of course, I feel bad about getting defensive and, on top of it all, feel bad when other people don't enjoy what I enjoy because somehow what I chose to enjoy isn't good enough if other people don't like it.

Phew. What a mouthful. It probably goes without saying that I care a lot about what other people think.

When I started class, I asked how many people had done the reading.

"I didn't receive it," was the first response I heard.

"Wait, what? You didn't receive it?" my voice grew louder, higher-pitched. Oh my God. This lesson was totally ruined; everything I wanted to discuss was based on this ONE reading. If no one read the story, how in the world was this lesson even going to be possible?

Our instructor, Kumiko, suggested that we all read the story together since it was so short. I sighed. This was NOT how I wanted to spend the time. It seemed like a waste of valuable "teaching" time to do a read around, but I complied; I didn't really have an option.

But it worked. I read it out loud, people listened, we discussed.

The best part was, the discussion worked well, too, and absolutely no one questioned the quality of the story. Everyone got what the story was about and were able to work beyond the story and talk about larger issues relating to the creative nonfiction genre and how the story functioned within that genre. It was amazing. The conversation veered in directions I didn't predict, but it was exhilarating to mull over different ideas, to debate questions we had, and to value each other's opinions.

It's easy to feel alone in one's enthusiasm, but with today's lesson, the process of sharing an excitement to discover and to appreciate one another's opinions completely made my day.

Today I Appreciate Los Angeles Weather

Weather is never, ever something someone should take for granted. I'm probably not really one to talk, given the fact that I've lived in California my entire life and have never experienced living in terrible weather conditions, but the fact that it's sunshiny almost every day in L.A. will never cease to amaze and delight me.

In short, I'm blaming the weather for the fact that I haven't written the past four days? Five days? Eek. I'm lagging on this. Keep me motivated!

Anyway, it's not that I'm an "active" or "sporty" person, but rather I enjoy letting the sun soak all the way through me. I love it when my hair gets so hot, I can barely touch it without feeling like I just burnt my hand. I love it when I feel like the sun melts my chilly toes. Therefore, I've spent the past few days outside as much as possible, starting with Friday, where I sat reading a book outside for a few hours, then yesterday when I trekked through L.A.'s Runyan Canyon, and then today, walking to and from the library.

It's a cliche, but weather really is a mood lifter. As much as I enjoy the smell of rain, the peaceful soporific sensations one gets when the air is gray and cloudy, and the slower pace of a cold day, I'm more energized by brightness, by activity, and by the sense of movement that one feels on a sunny day. Some days, I just want to suck up the sun's rays through a needle and inject it through my blood stream, so I never feel at a loss for energy.

The only problem with sunshine is that while it initially energizes, it can also burn you out (no pun intended) quickly. For every day I've spent running around outside, I've finished the day completely exhausted, longing to return to bed. Alas, the sun is a merciless force (for better or for worse) and also cuts off my sleep before my body would ideally like, streaming through my windows early in the morning, beckoning me to recycle my energy all over again.

I'm not sure I would like it any other way, though. I appreciate the climate's desire to get me moving, to get me active, and to get me engaged. Otherwise, I know that I'd spend my days holed up in my room with a book, probably pretty content, but not quite as excited, not quite as ready to keep exploring and discovering more.

Again, weather affecting mood is a bit cliche and nothing terribly groundbreaking in my own personal reflection, but sometimes it's exactly what one needs to realize that every day truly is a new day and that minor setbacks can at least be temporarily dissipated with a good shot of fresh air and sunny skies in one's system.

Today I Appreciate Vincent of French Class

Call me "nerd," but the first day of class must be one of the best days of the year. Only syllabi (that is the plural of "syllabus," yes?) are distributed, professors remain energetic about course material, and even the students are not yet burnt out. An exciting world of opportunities are soon to begin! We're anticipating a journey with a group of other engaged minds through literature and life (at least in my case)!

The only major problem with the first day of classes is the ten minutes prior to when class begins when students sit completely in silence. A full classroom with no one talking must be on one of the eeriest places on the entire campus. Inevitably, someone will whisper into a cell phone or tap a pencil against the desk, if only out of habit of - you know - actually communicating, but otherwise nothing. The thing is everyone glances around the room seeking out the incoming professor and waiting for something - anything - as long as it's not him or her, of course to break the quiet.

I typically pride myself in remaining mildly friendly on the first day of class (e.g. "Have you had this professor before?" to the person sitting next to me) because I find the silence especially uncomfortable. This is not to say that I can't stand being alone (I can), but I can't stand a group of people all unable to at least ask a few question and engage in some kind of small talk. Coming from someone like me who loathes large parties with people I don't know and the necessity to comb through niceties for the sake of politeness, this is saying something.

Fortunately, today, there was Vincent of French 1. The amazing thing about the students in French class is they're exactly who you'd expect: slim, well-dressed girls draped in scarves and - well - slim, well-dressed gay men in scarves. This may seem like an intimidating population of artistic souls, but then, amazingly, there's someone like Vincent with dirty sneakers, a zip-up hoodie, and a battered-up backpack. I have a habit of staring at whoever walks into a room and as I gave Vincent a smile as he walked in (so as not to simply stare; that's even worse than not acknowledging someone's presence), he actually said "hello" and smiled back. At a big school like UCLA, a smile is an increasingly rare greeting as if you smile at someone you do not know, the average student will either anticipate you trying to sell him or her something or try to convince him or her to join some sort of student-run nonprofit organization to benefit African children. Social justice on UCLA's campus has, unfortunately, become more of an advertising campaign than an actual attention to social justice, but that's a different story.

Anyway, Vincent and I engaged in a conversation, discovered his brother had a family in my hometown of Folsom ("It's very nice," he said. "Spread-out. Clean enough. Kind of pretty" I told him that was a decent way of describing Folsom were one to omit the stretches of strip mall and suburban sprawl. He didn't disagree, but rather remained silent. Smart move, perhaps). I wouldn't say Vincent (who came from a high school filled with metal detectors) is exactly someone I would typically befriend, but his effort to engage, to actively enjoy conversation with someone he doesn't know, that takes the sort of confidence I always appreciate and that can always improve someone's day.