Today I Appreciate Air Conditioning

Air conditioning is one of those little luxuries I don't have at my apartment in L.A., but really, it's a necessity in Sacramento. Today was 101 degrees and there was pretty much nothing to do but stay inside or dunk into the swimming pool.

Yet coming home to Sacramento means a lot more than just getting heat comatose. It means reminders of what almost all of my young life has been like. It means getting taken care of. It means learning more about what has made me who I am and how I became the way I am and how my values were formed.

The hours and days keep melding into each other and it's perhaps going over the same place I've known for most of my life that makes each day feel effortless. Perhaps I should be worrying more about what's next and perhaps I should be working harder, but when I'm home, it's vacation and my mind succumbs to the simplicities of making my bed each day, pulling out a book during my free moments, and finding clean laundry on my bed ready to be sorted.

Let responsibilities wait a little bit longer until I return to Los Angeles. Is that O.K.?

Today I Appreciate Mindless Task-Doing

I hate to admit it, but some days, there really is nothing better than just doing things that keep your body moving and prevent your brain from thinking too hard.

As much as I enjoy nourishing my brain (and, heck, I'm considering a profession where that's just about the only thing that is nourished appropriately), today was a day where I really didn't want think too much or too hard. So I didn't. I cleaned my apartment. I did laundry. I took another long run (here's to hoping this trend continues, right?). I mindlessly browsed through link after link on Facebook (as if this wasn't already one of your most-frequented webpages either). I read an excerpt from Google Books on how the Internet is changing the way we think (ironically enough. I suppose I'm a victim of this same kind of thinking!). I read nothing I didn't want to read today.

I'm trying to see this lack of commitment as refreshing. Is it sick/sad that after only a month of being out of school, I'm ready for school all over again? Perhaps it's because I don't know what else to expect. Perhaps I haven't had enough experience doing anything else to want to escape the structure of a classroom, but all of this freedom - I have to admit - is a bit overwhelming. I could do do SO MUCH, yet I seem to find myself paralyzed into not really doing a whole lot at all except for reading, reading, reading, and figuring out what's next. Maybe that's not such a bad thing and, indeed, that's probably what I should be doing right now. But I can't help but envy those with tidy internships/jobs, life-enriching planned vacations, or - O.K., another sick moment ahead - summer school.

I should probably stop before I hurt myself here, but this is what this blog is for, right? I am trying, after all, to appreciate all that's happening in my life no matter how hard it is to initially accept, right?

So, here I am quitting my belly-aching about having all the time in the world to do whatever I want. For most people, this would be a fantastic opportunity to really get to know one's self and discover who you really are. So from here on out, that's exactly what it will be for me, too. Here's the summer, where hopefully today's task-oriented mindlessness can be channeled into more of the baby steps I'm taking to tackle that thing known as becoming an adult.

Today I Appreciate Reviving Old Traditions

After our freshman year in college, my group of friends and I couldn't bear the thought of a summer apart. We had enjoyed almost every meal together and late night conversations and even the prospect of not being within walking-distance was unfathomably weird. So, we decided to start an online journal to update each other and keep each other in touch.

As with all great projects (notice a trend here with me and journals?), our flow of writing in the summer journal slowly petered out and eventually we all just sopped writing in it. There was really no good reason why we didn't keep it up. We just didn't.

Now that we've all graduated, though, we obviously won't be in contact in the same way. It's funny how friendships morph and evolve with time and distance, but one of my friends suggested that we revive the blog again. Before posting my own entry, I browsed through the archives, reading about our past travails. Initially, I was embarrassed by my reflections and the self-consciousness of my writing, but something was also refreshing about seeing how I've changed (even if it's only ever so slightly) and being able to chart my progress.

I like how our journal serves as a kind of time capsule of our time together, a way to preserve who we were and who we will become.

Today I Appreciate Runs That Don't Feel Like Death

Whenever people describe their runs as "invigorating," "refreshing," etc, I consistently feel this distinct need to - well - shut them up. Because, honestly, if you're not some kind of real athlete, do you REALLY enjoy running that much? Like, really? Maybe I'm just lazy and have not quite reached that "runners' high" experience so many profess to have experienced. Either that or I was born without that essential "running-is-fun-AND-good-for-you" gene (like eating your vegetables!). Yes, let's blame it on genes.

In any case, I had one of these moments today where running kind of was one of these refreshing experiences, where I came back a wee bit tired, but not to the point where I wanted to just collapse into bed and watch as my dehydrated soul slumped back with me defeated.

Yet the weather was crisp today and the sky was clear and it made me think, "Good God, I hope I end up somewhere where I can be outside sometimes at some point in the year and not be miserably hot/cold." Of course, that place can really only be L.A. So, go figure that L.A. is not really in the cards after this year.

Anyway, these thoughts are not to be one of those "self-indulgent look-at-me runners" because - frankly - eating a whole bunch of cheesecake would probably make me feel equally as good (though in an entirely different way). This run today just felt like one of those experiences that needed to be shared, as exemplary of all of the right conditions combined together in lazy July.

Today I Appreciate Blogs

O.K., it probably seems silly that I've started and re-started this blog a million times with the same lackluster apologies for laziness in writing, but after reading a few of my friends' blogs and generally procrastinating from the task that is graduate school research and GRE studying, I felt inspired to sit down and write something myself. So, here I am sitting and writing in this old project of a blog that emerged after a year of feeling generally down about life.

A lot changes in a year. Duh, right? But Fourth of July came and went this weekend and it made me weepy and nostalgic and reflective. I think all holidays have the power to do this to me, to make me look back on the year I just experienced and think about what has changed and what I could have done differently and what I wished I would have done to improve my life and who I am. Blogs, really, are a funny format in which to do that. The most successful blogs are kind of a combination of snippy writing, multimedia clips, and a sense of the breezy, a conveyance of ideas that are serious but not TOO serious. Too serious would mean significant reflection and time, not the kind of ADD flitting from tab-to-tab and page-to-page that so characterizes the way I spend my Internet time (and I assume most people's Internet time, right? Right?).

Blogs are funny, too, for their inherent narcissism. Before I became absorbed in the world of nonfiction writing, I always found memoir and life-writing in general to be sort of a cop-out from fiction writing. I have a distinct memory of sitting down to write fiction at a summer program in Iowa and the fiction gradually turning into something that more closely resembled my own life. I remember thinking then, "Gosh, Jenae, can you really not get away from your own boring life? Can you really not escape from this experience of ME, ME, ME?"

This weekend, too, I spent time at my boyfriend's family's house and my boyfriend's father came into the room sharing that the newest piece of fiction in "The New Yorker" is based on the elementary/middle school that my boyfriend and his sister attended. Amazingly, I happened to have the newest "New Yorker" in my purse (I tend to carry some reading material with me everywhere) and so he (my boyfriend's father, that is) read the story out loud. Throughout the story, my boyfriend's family members were totally amazed (e.g. "This IS our school!" "Who do you think that's supposed to be in the story?" "This is barely fiction!").

I think, in a way, they were all sort of miffed out how close this story was to reality. Indeed, it seemed bizarre to imagine fictional characters in a place that was so tangibly real, that was so ingrained in their memories and such an integral part of their past. But it was their reflections upon how close this story was to real life that made me realize and reflect again upon the power of our own experiences to inform our fiction. The latest "New Yorker" story just showed me that yes, true life can be a cop-out in that we remain in our narcissistic shells of a universe, but that true life can also create the most colorful, enhancing, and enticing background to themes and ideas that could not be conveyed otherwise.

Besides, this life is what we've got, so we should just get over ourselves and deal with it, right?

So, back to the blogs. They inspire me. They're not Henry James, but the era of the novel as ground-breaking art is really... over. In a way. Not that the power of fiction will ever completely deteriorate, but SO MANY interesting things are being done with nonfiction (like blogs! like media convergence! like good ol' plain writing in print publications!), it's hard not to be drawn into seeing how this... genre in a way keeps evolving. O.K., I've probably been reading too much Reality Hunger , and like author David Shields, I'm thinking that the "era of nonfiction" is upon us (not to mention my complete and utter absorption in everything CNF for... over a year now, I think?). I think what inspires me most is knowing that as we are trapped in our narcissistic bubbles of existence, at least we can see that everyone else is similarly trapped in those worlds.

However, through sharing these kinds of reflections, THAT's when we escape the sense of narcissism. THAT's when we come to see that that which seems so individual and so isolated is actually something shared. Hence, when we recognize ourselves in others' writing, in others' art (if you will and if that big "A" word doesn't get you too nervous), THAT's when we know that writing is effective.

Anyway, no promises on keeping this up, but I'm now a college graduate and I'm finding myself (already) desperate for critical thought again and inspiring books and people to sustain me. Wish me luck, and thanks to those of you who already write and keep me inspired with your online writing and otherwise. You make me realize that in spite of all of my uncertainty about my future, about what my post-college life will mean (whether that's grad school or something else), I know that out there, there is someone who inevitably feels almost the same way.

Today I Appreciate Voicemail Messages Where the Caller Bursts into Giggles

I now understand why 62,400 people on YouTube post videos of babies laughing. I tend to play the cynic when it comes to recordings of feel-good moments like spontaneous, uncontrollable laughter (Who cares? This moment that was hilarious to you makes no sense to the rest of us out of context), but upon listening to a Voicemail message left for me today, I almost felt tempted to save part of it, a little strand of free, uninhibited laughter, giggles that interrupted the entire train of thought of the person leaving the message.

Perhaps it helped that this particular person's laugh is a warm, light laugh. She's an earnest often self-conscious perrson, so there was something inexplicably sweet about hearing someone who typically seems very controlled completely let go into a fit of giggles. Obviously interrupted, I couldn't tell what she was laughing at, but it almost didn't matter; it was one of those pure and perfect moments that just reminded me of the random moments of levity that can brighten even our most mundane moments.

Today I Appreciate Potential

My basil plant is growing. The stem leans towards the sunlight, absorbing, sucking up energy to get stronger and healthier. Needless to say, I'm a proud Basil Mommy. Of course, I'm not quite as proud of my own writing lately; sure, I've been attempting to learn towards my own proverbial sun, sucking up the energy of blogs and books and magazines (I officially subscribed to The New Yorker!), but while absorbing said sunlight, I have forgotten to "water" my writing energy daily and, as such, am still a seedling, and am not producing sweet pieces of writing like the large, sweet leaves of my basil plant.

OK, so this metaphor has probably gone a little too far already, but reflecting back upon this past year, I realize that I have missed out on a lot of opportunities to appreciate, truly appreciate, what's around me. From the time I've started this blog, I've made several changes to my life that I think have truly made me a healthier, happier, better person.

First, I've provided more time for me - just me - to relax. Of course, this is somewhat facilitated by the fact that I live by myself in a studio apartment (which is glorious), and I try to read something pleasurable every night before I go to bed to unwind.

I've also decided not to get frustrated when a particular interaction does not go the way I intended it. Rather than grasping and desperately hanging on to unsuccessful acquaintances/friendships/relationships, I try and let the weak connection pass, not attempting to make something fruitful our of something barren. That's not to say I've been dismissing all uncomfortable social interactions, blaming them on an intrinsic lack of connection that must be immediately eliminated, but I no longer waste energy on people that I know simply don't work with who I am. It's OK if not everyone likes me. Really.

With that said, however, I have refused to pass up novel situations. I try to talk to people, break through my initial insecurities about how others will perceive me, and ask questions. In my interview class, my instructor told us that when he is at cocktail parties, he plays a game with himself where he finds one person and tries to ask that person as many questions as possible before the person asks him something. I've tried to adopt the strategy for myself, and it has eased me into a somewhat more comfortable social state. That's not to say that I am - by any means- an any more socially comfortable person, but I've at least found an avenue through which I may be able to better understand people and take some more risks.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm not afraid of the potential for growth and change. I may still drag my feet on accomplishing certain tasks because I'm afraid of failure or I'm afraid of abandoning something and feeling disappointed with the final product, but I appreciate, today, that there's so much more potential for me to fulfill what I want to fulfill, find people who will truly fulfill me, and continue to live a more grateful and joy-filled life.

Here's to watering the writing spirit with hope, excitement, and possibility.