Today I Appreciate Cooking Pizza By Myself while Listening to Loud Music

There are some days when you just need to cook. Today's been a day of writing, writing, writing and memorizing French. Assuaging an exhausted brain can only be remedied in one way: with mindless activity.

Cooking may not be the case for everyone. Cleaning, gardening, and organizing all seem like approximately equivalent tasks in terms of the amount of mental exertion/energy it requires. Cooking requires some motivation, of course,to create and use the side of one's brain that says "OK, Jenae, take this recipe step one, two, three, four until completion."

Following steps is a beautifully mind-numbing yet all-consuming task. Simply focusing on stirring over the stove top or chopping up an onion is a perfect and simple way to relax. I've been wanting to make homemade pizza for ages, staring at the pizza pan thrown in the cabinet with the other pots and pans, debating what to make and how to make it.

I made a really simple recipe (and used pre-made pizza dough, which definitely does not make me a very legitimately gourmet cook, but whatever) and... it was fun. I cooked for myself by myself and it was probably one of the most satisfying experiences I've had in a long time. See, I love to cook for other people and I love to entertain, but I love the lack of pressure in simply experimenting on a recipe for me. There are no expectations when I'm cooking for me. If I mess up, it's my own fault and I'm the only one who really has to suffer the consequences. I don't have to justify any culinary choices to anyone but myself. Sure, it's a little lonely in the kitchen knowing that you're the only feeding yourself, but finding happiness in autonomy and realizing that being alone does not necessarily equate to loneliness is beautiful.

Doing something like cooking by yourself, too, provides an opportunity to just be and not worry about other people's expectations of how you should act, too. I didn't have to worry tonight about maintaining a conversation while attempting to pay attention to the stovetop. All I had to do was stir, focus on the Franz Liszt I had playing at high volume in the background, and... create great food. It's funny how simple life can be when experienced all alone every once in a while.

Now here's the greater question: to continue my culinary conquests (how's that for some alliteration) with a batch of sweet potato and walnut muffins or no?

Today I Appreciate Coloring

Fresh Crayola markers, where the tips are sharp, the color is bright, and the ink flows out smoothly, is one of life's greatest joys. There's little more satisfying in the world than sitting down with a coloring book page armed with a new bold, red marker, ready to fill in between the lines.

I colored in a rose today in my USIE facilitator class (as a "microteaching" exercise for one of the other facilitators and her class on the Psychology of Arts & Crafts) and I must admit that I was pretty proud of it, all things considered. I drew it with a little bit of artistic depth; the petals had a yellow lining while the inside of the petals were red and the purple stem grew blue AND purple leaves. Beat that, "Beauty and the Beast!" You don't even understand what a REAL rose is until you've seen one with a purple stem!

Anyway, the point of the exercise was not exactly to gain a sense of base-level satisfaction at the minute accomplishment of just coloring something in between the lines (we led into a discussion of how gender roles/creativity are defined by what we choose to color, how we color it, in what colors, etc.), but there was a sense of calm and relaxation that I experienced when coloring. Maybe it was just the fact that I was doing something so mind-numblingly simple yet so undeniably relaxing that made the exercise stand out in my mind. I'm not even a very good colorer (I manage to always get outside the lines SOMEHOW), but with only the goal of filling in something and trying to make it "pretty," I felt completely at ease and I left class feeling oddly energized.

Maybe a trip to the arts & crafts section of the pharmacy down in Westwood is in order. There are some great Disney princess coloring book pages online. I think Cinderella would look rad with some pink hair.

Today I Appreciate Time to Breathe

Almost two weeks have passed without an entry posted here. What that reflects is a combination of laziness, apathy, and - well - a certain degree of negativity.

It's ironic that the latter point is a reason for not writing, for not reflecting. After all, this blog is a way to help rid myself of those negative feelings and thoughts and emotions, right? This should be the time where I'm recording and thinking more. Yet I've been stagnant and I don't really have much of an excuse for it other than the fact that one car crash, one scare over an ex-boyfriend in the hospital, and a conglomeration of other depressed feelings later, I come away with no record of what I was thinking and feeling and what I found that could potentially make me feel better.

If you ask any college student how he or she is doing, the result is inevitably, 1. "tired" and/or 2. "busy." Hence, I hate saying that lately I've been "tired" and "busy" because I feel like that adheres to this cliche of someone who likes to claim: "I HAVE SO MANY MIDTERMS AND I GO TO SLEEP AT 2:00 AM AND WAKE UP AT 10:00 AM MY LIFE IS SO TERRIBLE."

Yet if you were to ask me how I've been doing, I'd probably give you one, if not both, of the above stereotyped responses. Typically, I'm content with the "busy" part of the equation and tend to prefer a day full of class and professor meetings and club meetings and tutoring because it keeps me active and excited about the one real reason I'm even at UCLA: to learn. That business must, of course, be tempered by relaxation time and I chronically find myself unable to really strike that balance without feeling either antsy and unproductive or completely overwhelmed. This, of course, is an entirely psychologically and easily remedied issue: do less stuff and come to realize that you DO need time to relax, to breathe, to live.

This "living" is not always easy for me. In fact, I find relaxing often more difficult than I do working because it allows me time to think about emotional concerns or worry about my future. Ultimately what helps me, I suppose (and I'm still trying to figure this out every day when my tongue isn't wagging out of my mouth), is to remind myself that all of my temporary problems, all of my concerns about what other people think about me, all of my concerns about how I spend my time, about who I spend my time with, will ultimately fade with moments of companionship and reassurance that yes, I guess I'm an OK kind of girl.

For example, I saw my parents this weekend. I saw a great elementary school friend this weekend. I spent time with my roommates. It's all going to be OK.

So, today, I appreciate the time to collect myself (thank goodness for Monday holidays), to reflect upon what I could do differently than I have done these past few weeks, and to remind myself - once more - that I am capable of balance and happiness and peace.

Today I Appreciate Los Angeles Weather

Weather is never, ever something someone should take for granted. I'm probably not really one to talk, given the fact that I've lived in California my entire life and have never experienced living in terrible weather conditions, but the fact that it's sunshiny almost every day in L.A. will never cease to amaze and delight me.

In short, I'm blaming the weather for the fact that I haven't written the past four days? Five days? Eek. I'm lagging on this. Keep me motivated!

Anyway, it's not that I'm an "active" or "sporty" person, but rather I enjoy letting the sun soak all the way through me. I love it when my hair gets so hot, I can barely touch it without feeling like I just burnt my hand. I love it when I feel like the sun melts my chilly toes. Therefore, I've spent the past few days outside as much as possible, starting with Friday, where I sat reading a book outside for a few hours, then yesterday when I trekked through L.A.'s Runyan Canyon, and then today, walking to and from the library.

It's a cliche, but weather really is a mood lifter. As much as I enjoy the smell of rain, the peaceful soporific sensations one gets when the air is gray and cloudy, and the slower pace of a cold day, I'm more energized by brightness, by activity, and by the sense of movement that one feels on a sunny day. Some days, I just want to suck up the sun's rays through a needle and inject it through my blood stream, so I never feel at a loss for energy.

The only problem with sunshine is that while it initially energizes, it can also burn you out (no pun intended) quickly. For every day I've spent running around outside, I've finished the day completely exhausted, longing to return to bed. Alas, the sun is a merciless force (for better or for worse) and also cuts off my sleep before my body would ideally like, streaming through my windows early in the morning, beckoning me to recycle my energy all over again.

I'm not sure I would like it any other way, though. I appreciate the climate's desire to get me moving, to get me active, and to get me engaged. Otherwise, I know that I'd spend my days holed up in my room with a book, probably pretty content, but not quite as excited, not quite as ready to keep exploring and discovering more.

Again, weather affecting mood is a bit cliche and nothing terribly groundbreaking in my own personal reflection, but sometimes it's exactly what one needs to realize that every day truly is a new day and that minor setbacks can at least be temporarily dissipated with a good shot of fresh air and sunny skies in one's system.