Today I Appreciate Others Defying My Expectations

It's the last week of classes and I'm surprisingly calm about final exams and final projects. Perhaps I condensed so many worries these past two quarters that I used up all of my year-allotted worry points. No matter. I'm not complaining. Knowing me and my neuroses, this may not last much longer, but that's something I'm also OK with. Worry keeps me motivated. It's part of my essential DNA.

Anyway, I mention this odd sense of calm because today I completed one final "project:" a "micro-teaching session" for the course I'm teaching this spring. The assignment was to conduct a "mini-lesson" with the other teaching facilitators, get feedback, learn what to do with students who will be enrolled in the class, and realize that I'm probably trying to pack in too much reading in too little time. I wasn't all that nervous about it; I've read the stories I'm teaching a billion times (and still love them) and I figured whatever would happen, would happen.

However, I was concerned about how the other facilitators would react to the reading. I feared that they would sit down with the story I sent out and think it was stupid. Their validation of the material's quality felt (feels) important to me because I trust their opinions. Somehow, I felt like someone would stare at the story and think: "What's the point? Why did I bother reading this?" I often get defensive about reading I enjoy, trying to justify it and its importance even in the face of criticism. Then, of course, I feel bad about getting defensive and, on top of it all, feel bad when other people don't enjoy what I enjoy because somehow what I chose to enjoy isn't good enough if other people don't like it.

Phew. What a mouthful. It probably goes without saying that I care a lot about what other people think.

When I started class, I asked how many people had done the reading.

"I didn't receive it," was the first response I heard.

"Wait, what? You didn't receive it?" my voice grew louder, higher-pitched. Oh my God. This lesson was totally ruined; everything I wanted to discuss was based on this ONE reading. If no one read the story, how in the world was this lesson even going to be possible?

Our instructor, Kumiko, suggested that we all read the story together since it was so short. I sighed. This was NOT how I wanted to spend the time. It seemed like a waste of valuable "teaching" time to do a read around, but I complied; I didn't really have an option.

But it worked. I read it out loud, people listened, we discussed.

The best part was, the discussion worked well, too, and absolutely no one questioned the quality of the story. Everyone got what the story was about and were able to work beyond the story and talk about larger issues relating to the creative nonfiction genre and how the story functioned within that genre. It was amazing. The conversation veered in directions I didn't predict, but it was exhilarating to mull over different ideas, to debate questions we had, and to value each other's opinions.

It's easy to feel alone in one's enthusiasm, but with today's lesson, the process of sharing an excitement to discover and to appreciate one another's opinions completely made my day.

Today I Appreciate the Following Quote I Heard in Class:

"Optimists are simply people who don't have all of the information."

This, apparently, was something a raving, homeless man told one of my classmates on a New York subway. My classmate cited this quote because she will be teaching a course on the psychology of happiness (interestingly enough, eh?) and used this quote on her syllabus. A lot of other people in the class really didn't understand the purpose of the quote.

"Isn't that quote counter-intuitive to the idea of happiness?"

"Doesn't it seem really negative to say that optimists are also dumb?"

Well, no. See, I happened to really enjoy and appreciate this quote because it raises an importance distinction between optimism and happiness, namely that optimism and happiness are not the same thing.

What I've come to discover through both this blog and just by living and coping and trying to understand how I'm feeling and who I am is that being happy is not necessarily exuding unending hope or joy. In fact, I'm happiest when I'm simply satisfied, content, and at peace. As a consequence of satisfaction or contentment or peace, I may feel momentarily giddy that I enjoyed a pleasant book or discussed a great piece of writing or had a really wonderful, long conversation with a friend or had a fun social interaction, but rather extended periods of engaging in stimulating thought and enjoying true, loyal friendships with thoughtful people.

I'd still say that I have long way to go towards total, complete happiness, but I can experience moments of optimism that can raise my mood and can contribute to achieving long-term satisfaction.

See, the thing is, I agree with the crazy, homeless man (I hope this doesn't speak volumes about my own mental state). I agree that unquestioning hopefulness towards the world and a perpetually bright spirit indicates a sort of daftness and an inability (or perhaps even unwillingness?) to examine that which is in front of you. Optimism can be blind to circumstances that are negative. Optimism implies, for me, a sort of non-judgmental stance on the world. I wouldn't say that criticism and judgment necessarily lead to happiness either, but in order to find contentment, distinguishing (and therefore judging) between what's important to you and what isn't, what fits into your set of values and what doesn't, seems absolutely vital.

I feel as though optimism, too, can often lead to a lot of unhappiness. While hope in the face of conflict/loss/depression can be uplifting, it can also eventually lead to a lot of disappointment. After all, there are moments in which you shouldn't be hopeful; that's called delusion. Not that one should strive towards wallowing in never-ending pain, but one should at least face and accept one's reality before finding ways to heal and overcome said reality.

I'm making it sound as though being an optimist is easy (it isn't) and I still strive towards optimism more than pessimism in my own life, but adopting optimism without judgment or thought seems, to me, a destructive approach and one that doesn't contribute towards achieving happiness.

It's funny to me that I feel as though I can logically understand these concepts and this psychology and yet still not wholly apply it to my own life. These reflections, these thoughts are coming from someone who some days still feels overwhelmed with emotion, who still tries to overcome anxiety, sadness, and loneliness, and who still indulgently dialogues with herself about how no one else understands the magnitude of her suffering and other such angst. I can distance myself from such feelings when I want to, but other times it feels all-consuming.

Ultimately, this struggle is part of being - well - human, but here I am still figuring out how I fit in on the spectrum of happy and healthy people. I'm getting there, aren't I?

Today I Appreciate Debate

This is going to be a short entry today because... I'm tired. Long day.

However, at our literary journal meeting today, a wonderful debate spurred with the fiction staff members and I really appreciated how everyone argued their points well and made me think about (and further respect the thought) that goes into not only those you write/submit to the journal, but to those who help edit.

It's so bed time right now. Tonight, I WILL appreciate sleep.